WILD STATEMENTS: Here are some appropriations of famous sayings that won’t upset animal-lovers

I completely admire and respect the beliefs, philosophies and core values of my vegan friends. I have even pondered what it would be like to live a bacon-free existence. But while none of the vegans I know are preachy, and go about their faux cheese diets without guilt-tripping those of us that would step over their dying grandmother for a fine Brie, I do feel guilty about eating products around them that, without question, have derived from the exploitation of a fellow animal.

Further to this: it occurred to me that so many turns-of-phrase – analogies – that we use from time to time also stem from the ill treatment of animals at the hands of humans. I now feel guilty about using these phrases in front of my vegan friends. So, for anyone that has vegan friends that they hold dear, here are some vegan-friendly alternatives to a series of common phrases:

# A bird in the hand should be with those other two birds in the bush, unless it is injured and you intend to nurse it to health

# A leopard can’t change its spots and nor should it have to – leave the leopard alone and just let it do its thing, it’s an individual

# As busy as a bee that is allowed to provide honey for its hive and not humans

# Get off your high horse – in fact, don’t be on any horse, leave horses alone

# You can’t lead a horse to water but if it finds water of its own free will and appears to be dehydrated then gently encourage it to drink – you should not make it drink

# There’s an elephant in the room – please release it back into the wild, it has no place in captivity

# Give a man a fish but only if he intends to return it to the ocean or river in which it was found – don’t teach him to fish, teach him to make a salad with Israeli couscous or something

# Let the cat out of the bag

# A fly in the ointment should be rescued

# Like lambs to the slaughter, which is murder

# Walking on eggshells, which have hatched in the wild

# Old sheep dressed as lamb … in nature

# Pigs might fly if we stop killing them and allow them to evolve wings

# Stone the crows, but only if by “stone” you mean “allow to live peacefully as crows”

# The early bird catches the worm, which is totally acceptable

# There’s more than one way to skin a cat but only if you’re an evil, murderous psychopath

# A red rag to a bull is only tormenting it – leave the bull alone, you idiot

# Never look a gift horse in the mouth because a horse is not a human’s to give – politely return the horse or release it into the wild

# No room to swing a cat, and even if there was room you definitely should not swing a cat – leave cats alone

# Birds of a feather flock together, which is excellent

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